Butterflies

It’s easy to miss the point of water conservation if we live in the largely drought-free western world, and particularly if we live in the largely sun-free, always-rained-on UK. We’re surrounded by seas, lakes, lochs, rivers, streams, ponds and puddles, and spend up to 80% of our adult lives under umbrellas. We don’t have much of a problem there but that’s not the issue. This is: The UK gets through about 840 billion litres of water a year. That’s a lot, all of it taking energy for treatment and processing. Saving water is about saving energy, which is about saving resources, which is about saving the planet.

Fortunately there are plenty of ways to save the wet stuff, of which these are some:

In the bathroom
First, we won’t leave a tap running when shaving, cleaning our teeth, washing our hands, shaving our hands, or washing our teeth. That can save up to five litres of water per minute according to our man in the Environment Agency. Next, we’ll be sure to turn off taps properly and fix taps that continue to drip, knowing that a dripping tap can waste up to four litres a day according to our man in the Environment Etc. Next, we’ll remember that a five-minute shower uses about a third of the water of a bath. But we’ll also remember that in less than five minutes a power shower uses more water than a bath, meaning yer old pal The Zero retroactively concedes those five thousand arguments he had with exes about his water-chomping showers.

Knowing that a toilet cistern can use up to nine litres of water for every flush, we’ll stick a bottle in it to reduce the amount needed for every refill. That’s what my old dad did, though that was less about environmentalism and more about chronic alcoholism and a need for hiding places. Still counts. Lastly, we’ll only flush when visitors are coming because who are we trying to impress here?

In the kitchen
We’ll wash fruit and veg in a bowl instead of under a running tap, and then use the water for house plants or for offering gullible younger brothers some tasty mud squash. We’ll use the minimum amount required when boiling water in kettles and pans, and steam veg instead of boiling it because using less water saves water, you see. These tips are gold. Pure gold. And we’ll waste less food because it takes a ton of water to make it.

If we’re swanky enough to have a dishwasher we’ll make sure it’s fully loaded and on the greenest of enviro-settings. If we’re basic enough to have a washing machine we’ll do the same but with clothes instead of plates and things. And we’ll keep a jug of water in the fridge so we don’t have to run the tap until it gets cold. That little action – or Butterfly, if you will (or action if you won’t) – will add up to a big difference.

Out of doors
Assuming we sometimes leave the house, we’ll use watering cans in the garden instead of big massive hoses or sprinklers that use as much water in an hour as a family of four uses in a day. Unless that family of four uses a big massive hose or sprinkler, in which case the maths gets sort of circular and complicated. We’ll collect rainwater in a barrel like some backwoods survivalist, and water stuff first thing or last thing in the day to stop water evaporating from the surface before it reaches the soil. And we’ll stick mulch around trees and plants to slow the evaporation of water, you mulch fucks.

When we see a burst water pipe on the street we’ll meddle good and proper, reporting it to the water suppliers like a straight-up snitch. Lastly, if we’re still driving cars – which would be embarrassing, given the state of the climate crisis – we’ll clean them way less often because, honestly, who gives a shit?

So that’s water conservation sorted. Nothing drastic, nothing that’ll leave you thirsty or thinking you’re on a post-apocalyptic desert planet. It’s a piece of piss, really. Which reminds me: Drink piss. Okay. On to the next thing!

Photo credit: The Zero