You’ll recall we’re growing potatoes and housing a wormery here in Zero Towers but are no doubt becoming impatient in your wait for updates on both. The wait is over. The updates are on their way. They start with this patchy first paragraph but bear with them.

We’ll begin with the worm poop status update for there we have exciting news: we have poop. Ten weeks after starting a wormery and long before the solid composty poop is ready wormery owners can expect a fine liquid poop for use on houseplants, potatoes and such and such. Our wormery has a tap allowing us to drain it off and we were recently treated to our first dose.

It’s hard to do justice to the colossal awfulness of its smell. It’s hard to describe it for words are yet to be invented that can fully communicate the almighty stench that gushed from the tap of festering death. It was the kind of smell you might come across were you to stumble down a post-apocalyptic alley at the side of a rendering plant and find yourself tripping nose first into a zombie tramp’s unwashed arsehole. It was as if Satan himself had opened his bowels above a hell pit of a thousand vomiting Hitlers.

Panic set in. I’d opened the tap in the kitchen and suddenly the poop of a thousand miseries was forming a puddle on the floor. I stood in it in my sock, tramping it through the house on my way to the bathroom as I tipped the foul stench down the toilet and flushed. We sat on the bathroom floor, empty and drained. We held each other. We wept. We flung open the windows to get air but only because we couldn’t tear off the whole front of the house.

I don’t want to imply we regret the wormery. We love the wormery and its forward-thinking environmental brilliance that saves landfill space and turns waste into something useful. And I don’t want to put anyone off a wormery. That’s why I’m glossing over the maggot infestation that’s required some attention of late.

Photo credit: The Zero/Apple