Victory! After four years of outrage and misery, five days chewing my nails down past the knuckles, and four nights sleeping so fitfully I thought maybe post-election panic was a cure for Long Covid lethargy, we got the motherfucker: Donald Trump got beat. After all his efforts to undo democracy and install fascism in America, after 4,000 daily outrages and 20,000 lies, after all the things I don’t want to talk about because now we can finally see beyond him, he’s on his way out. 75 million Americans toppled the marmalade slob. A fascist has been removed from power! A white supremacist has been removed from power! A climate denier has been removed from power!

How irrelevant he seems, immediately. How pathetic his tweets seem with his power faded, like a wispy Voldemort trash-talking from the back of someone else’s head. How deluded he seems, claiming victory and fraud while world leaders congratulate his opponents, their relief as huge as ours.

Replacing him, a President who’ll listen to climate scientists, get America back in the Paris agreement, kickstart a green recovery and tip-toe towards AOC’s Green New Deal on the way to net zero. Replacing the cybernetic tube of toothpaste Trump picked as VP, the best possible reply to years of white supremacist misogyny: America’s first female Vice-President, first Black Vice-President, first Indian-American Vice President. As spontaneous celebrations kicked off in cities around the world and Ewoks chowed down on barbecued Speederbike riders, yer old Zero experienced his share of human emotions.

There remains much to do. 70 million CHUDs voted for American fascism and white supremacy – more than in 2016 – and are crossing their fingers for the Second Trumping. A couple of senate races need our attention if we’re going to paint a frown on Mitch McConnell’s boneless face. Biden’s climate plan needs to go further if it’s to save us from the worst effects of climate breakdown. Americans’ aversion to nationalised healthcare and love for weapons of war could do with some attention. And we have to ensure Democrats don’t go all soft in the name of healing and let Trump and his Death Eaters get away with everything they’ve done. There have to be consequences for leading a fascist coup. As Primo Levi said, “It happened, therefore it can happen again.” And as Supernanny said, ”If you don’t follow through on threats of punishment they’ll pull the same shit in 2024.” Most pressing, before we get to any of that he’s got 70-odd days to piss on our chips, his cruelty unrestrained now there’s nothing to lose.

But I’m ignoring the do-do list for now, ignoring the hot takes on how we should pardon Trump and listen to or ignore The Squad. I’m determined to just enjoy this win. How rare it feels. After the IndyRef, after 2016, after Brexit and 4,000 Tory victories, how rare for decency to win and hope to be restored. I’m going to chill for a couple of days, something I tried once in the early 90s but never got the hang of. I’m going to chill with a goofy smile on my face, and drink out of a coconut and get me some Speederbiker ribs; I’m fairly confident alien cannibalism’s a vegan loophole. Haven’t seen it mentioned specifically. Excelsior!

Photo credit: The Zero