One of the difficulties about this changing the world lark is it’s not really on me to change. I’ve already ascended to moral perfectuality, leaving you and others in an ethical gutter like the thoughtless wasters you are. It’s all about getting you to catch up now, inspiring you to positive change by slagging you off and calling you gutter-dwelling thoughtless wasters.

It’s pointless telling Bob Geldof about Africa, he thinks he knows it all. Try telling Bono about Fairtrade, he’ll claim he invented the thing along with the rest of the world in about six days and that his little band is still musically relevant as opposed to fast becoming this generation’s Status Quo. Well, not this generation’s. A couple of generations back’s Status Quo. No, the only way the world can change is by wrong doers thinking right and doing good. We have to get stuck in and talk to racists about racism, to homophobes about homophobia, to the Daily Mail about everything.

Taking my kick straight to the devil’s left and right testicles I’ve started posting on The Sun and the Daily Mail websites, commenting on their stories of white middle class doom and tits and joining in the debate that goes on between racist, sexist, homophobic stupid people and people who like tits. I’ve turned up just in time with recent news that the Mail is the second most popular news site in the UK, a revelation on a par with learning kitten rape is the second most popular pastime in the UK. So far none of my comments have made it past the moderators, so full of sense are they. Still, I’ll keep on keeping on.

I’ve had more success over on Facebook, where I’ve been chatting to racists so dumb they look up to stupid, admiring it from afar with a longing they struggle to identify. After last month’s poppy-burning protest at the Remembrance Day service – I told you them things were controversial – some numbnuts started a group called “Let’s show these poppy burning bastards we want them deported.” I got stuck in and meddled, talking up religious tolerance, free speech and the right to protest. So far it’s been a rather rousing failure. One guy said he’d kill me in the head with a Koran, which is one of the best death threats I’ve ever had. Top ten, easy.

In summary, then: I’ve found a new medium through which I can continue to achieve nothing. Updates as and when they etc.

Photo credit: The Zero