You may be wondering why this week in your diary is surrounded by orange highlighter and purple stars. The answer is simple: you didn’t want to forget National Vegetarian Week.

Not to be confused with International Vegetarian Week, Regional Vegetarian Week or National Vegetarian Hour, National Vegetarian Week sees thousands of pasty-faced liberal weeds using their collective energies – about the same as the energies of two meat eaters – to convince the world to become vegetarian. You’ll have noticed this year’s campaign featured prominently on page 27 of your newspaper.

The Vegetarian Society is coordinating a stack of events up and down the country extolling the virtues of vegetarianism and showing how easy, ethical and down with the kids it is. Vegetarians everywhere are nagging their friends to try Quorn, Vegans everywhere are keeping quiet and PETA is no doubt organising its third annual Million Minge Flash in Leicester Square.

I’m aware I should do my bit but I’m uncomfortable suggesting people turn to vegetarianism. Self-Righteous Vegetarian is one of the clichés I’m keen to avoid along with Hemp-Wearing Environmentalist, Angry Lesbian Peace Campaigner and Charity of the Month Donation Embezzler.

Generally I try to keep my values to myself, if you ignore my website telling you how to live. I know given the chance you’d hollow out a pig by eating it alive through its bum hole, crawling inside its shrivelled body through its gaping arse as you eat your way through its kidneys, lungs and ovaries before putting your hands and feet inside its empty trotters and dancing it around like a bloodthirsty maniac. But I try not to judge.

Let’s just watch this video on life in the slaughterhouse, see if you can make it to the end and go our separate ways, no harm done. If you watch it and decide to stop having animals killed for your din-dins let me know. I’ve got a second hand Meat is Murder T shirt you can have.

I had to get a smaller one now I’m down to five and a half stone.

Photo credit: The Zero