Life is all about the meddling. It’s all about the getting stuck in and the not just standing by murmuring to yourself about how things shouldn’t be like this and how if only someone would do something maybe things would be etc. If Zeroism is about anything – and it isn’t – it’s about how we have to be the stucker inners.

You’ll recall how I briefly entered the witness protection programme after seeing a car getting a kicking from a wrench and squealing to the cops like a Deliverated man-pig. Well, I’ve been up to my old tricks again over the past couple of weeks.

There I was, minding my own business, fast asleep in my four-poster when I was awoken at five in the morning by the piercing sound of a fire alarm. I staggered out into the communal hallway to find the fire alarm ringing fairly loudly. I had a quick look around to see if there were any flames, knowing they often accompany the ringing of a fire alarm, but couldn’t see any. By this time I’d been joined by a couple of the neighbours who also concluded it was indeed a fire alarm before going back to bed. None of them phoned the fire brigade despite the fact that, as I say, a very loud fire alarm was actually going off at the time. Now fair enough, it only turned out to be a fault triggered by something on the fritz in the pub next door but still, there was a very loud fire alarm going off at five in the morning.

Then last weekend I saw a bunch of guys beating the shit out of some other guy, attacking him with a bottle and kicking and stamping on him once he hit the floor. And of the dozens of onlookers, no one phoned for the police or an ambulance. Now I’m quite happy to do this stuff myself because I’m a full on proper net curtain twitcher but I ask you, Zeroes, is this really the way to live? Is this really the way to run a planet? Is this really the world we want for our children and our children’s children, and our cousin’s friends and our employees’ sisters?

Get stuck in, damn it! Next time you see someone drop litter pick it up. Next time you see an old guy fall on his chin phone for an ambulance before you upload the footage to You Tube. Next time you see a bank robbery phone the police and chase the robbers to their hideouts and go in without waiting for back up. Next time you see a granny mugging a nun kick her in the tits. Meddle, damn it! Meddle!

All of which brings us to this coming weekend, where no doubt I’ll be calling the coastguard, the mountain rescue, the bomb disposal squad and the RSPCA. You’re no doubt thinking that’s unlikely. But not with what I’ve got planned.

I’m counting on you for bail money.

Photo credit: The Zero