The UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change – the IPCC – issued its latest report this week, pointing out how monumentally fucked we are because we like cars, burgers and mass extinctions. It makes for grim reading – but only if you actually read it. Here are nine ways you can avoid giving it any thought at all!
1. Sleep through it
We’ve known for years that meat and dairy are among the most harmful, most polluting industries we’ve invented, but we can turn their genocidal over-production to our advantage. By stuffing ourselves full of dirty industrial meat and dairy we can trigger The Christmas Dinner effect, and spend our afternoons snoozing happily on the couch while the TV news skims over the worst of the crisis they’re causing.
2. Don’t make eye contact
Industrial meat and dairy have plenty of other uses. One of our favourites is stapling steaks to both sides of our heads. They make really effective blinkers for when virtue signalling friends mention the IPCC report on social media. Best of all, you can eat them and replace them every few days because we’ve shown no interest in reducing production or consumption. Keep em coming; we can’t see a thing!
3. Remember the glass is more than half full
The IPCC report estimates about 40% of the world’s population is highly vulnerable to the impacts of climate breakdown. What they’re not saying is that 60% of us will probably be fine, maybe. That means a couple billion people will survive, with only a massive reduction in living standards and life expectancy. We like our chances!
4. Just don’t give a shit
If you find yourself getting hung up on 40% of the world’s population facing irreversible disaster, try to keep in mind they’ll mostly be in places we don’t give two shits about anyway. While it’s true large parts of Africa will become uninhabitable, we’re so accustomed to ignoring war, famine and sweatshops it’ll take no effort to add climate change to the list. And when climate refugees start heading for our patch, we can simply turn off the lights, hide behind the couch and pretend we’re not in. It’s yer basic Skip The Unicef Advert energy.
5. Try a tinfoil hat
If the above methods don’t shut out the report completely you might accidentally hear that Australia is also at risk. Assuming Australia’s one of the countries you care about there’s a fix for that too! Consider diving deep into the flat earth conspiracy theory that says Australia doesn’t actually exist. If it’s not there it can’t be battered by the deadly heatwaves, droughts, floods, storms and fires that have already begun to batter it. Phew!
6. Take the high road
The trick here is about crisis one-upmanship. With Russia invading Ukraine and talking up their nuclear arsenal we can pretend to be concerned about the potential possible nuclear apocalypse Putin may or not be working on instead of the actual factual as-we-speak climate apocalypse that we are all working on. Frankly, given what’s happening in the world right now, the IPCC has shown very poor taste even mentioning it.
7. Bet the lot on technology
Technology will save us. We know that technology can have planet-altering consequences because it already has: In the 250 years since the industrial revolution kicked off we’ve completely destabilised a biosphere that had been stable for about 11,000 years. All we need to do is twiddle our thumbs until the free market invents something that will help somehow. Already you can find Kickstarters aiming to fix the problem of living with our heads continually in the sand. For just $69 you can invest in Sand Snorkels. The prototypes will allow you to breathe with your head in the sand for up to 18 hours a day, and in time the technology will advance enough to let us stay down there for a full 24 hours. It’s amazing what we can achieve when we put our heads together.
8. Try outright delusion
Climate breakdown has already begun. The sixth mass extinction is already underway. If you’ve still got a frowny face about it all, why not delude yourself into thinking you had nothing to do with it? Here you’ll need the catch-all phrase, “I’m doing my bit.” This can refer to any bit of piss-weak, barely-there tokenism that allows you to carry on living as normal. We all know we all have to reduce our consumption of industrial meat and dairy, ditch petrol, move to renewable sources of electricity and donate to tree planting organisations but we don’t want to. And now we don’t need to. You can keep doing everything you’re doing but occasionally recycle household waste as you proudly declare, “I’m doing my bit!”
9. Remember: It’ll all be over soon anyway
The IPCC makes clear our opportunity to act will soon be over. If we don’t massively reduce our greenhouse gas emissions – as a society and as individuals – we’ll quickly reach the irreversible tipping points that will melt the ice caps, warm the oceans, kill coral reefs and bring on extreme weather events to wipe us out. But in their determination to act before it’s too late they’ve buried the lede: Soon we won’t even have to try!
So there you have it. What changes are you not going to bother making? Let us know in the comments below!
Photo credit: The Zero