People, by which I mean stingy and stupid people, are often heard to remark that charity begins at home. And people, by which I mean backward-looking and selfish people, often use that remark to explain why they’d rather give money to the local walnut sanctuary than to starving humans further away than round the corner and, more often, why they’d rather keep their money than give it to anyone at all.

We’re above all that. As objects in the universe, as enlightened humans among other humans, not bound by borders, we know to get stuck in and help people. And so I ask you to imagine here an introduction that will inspire you to give your time and money generously, an introduction that will bring a mist to your eyes and a wistful smile to your lips, an introduction that will both move and amuse you, an introduction so inspiring and witty you’ll think I’m the love child of Bob Geldof and Stephen Fry.

And so, with the image of two of our national treasures having intercourse, we begin…